you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
