checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
