i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
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No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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