Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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