omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
