You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
