I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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