Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Drunk is not a location!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
