i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
