I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
