I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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