The maid of honor just puked.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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