I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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