apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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