Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
