take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
