you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
