I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
