She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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