I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
