I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
its liver damage thursday
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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