You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
