I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
