I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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