the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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