My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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