nut hugger
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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