Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
