sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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