I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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