I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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