the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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