i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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