Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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