Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
