First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
