Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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