So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
