From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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