last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
