She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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