The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
