in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
