I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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