My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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