is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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