Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
