I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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