Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
