There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
