Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
