just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
