We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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