i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
