i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we're so committed to being not committed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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