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Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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