pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
